Building Blocks for Strong Families

9.30am Sunday 7 September, 2008

Readings: Genesis 12:1-3; Ephesians 3:14-21 TNIV

In the sermon time this morning we are going to look at some of the building blocks that make for strong families, so the focus will be on the family as a whole rather than just on Fathers. However, included in your Bulletin this morning is an article by Rick Warren on "God's model for Manhood." In it he summarises the Bible's teaching on manhood. He identifies five key characteristics - compassion, consistency, cooperation, commitment and courage - which are qualities we men should cultivate in our lives whether or not we are fathers as they are qualities that lead to strong family life. The role of father's is critical to the health and well-being of the family, especially in the lives of children. Many families have run into problems where these characteristics are missing. It has left emotional, and sometimes physical, scars that can take years to heal. Some never fully recover, and we need to be mindful of those for whom Father's Day does not hold happy memories.

Parenthood is a wonderful privilege, and being part of a family brings many blessings. Parenthood also carries many responsibilities. It is a life-long task. Those responsibilities do not go away once your children reach adulthood and leave home. The responsibilities are different, like providing support and encouragement, and as a grandparent having input into your grandchildren's lives as well as watching your own children tackle the challenges of parenthood. I remember thinking as a child that people in their 60s like my grandparents seemed old, but now that I am that age and a grandparent myself, I don't feel old. Your own children, even in their adult years, do not stop surprising you, as we discovered last week when Jane rang and handed over the phone to a young Scottish man who asked Grace and I if we had any objection to his asking for Jane's hand in marriage, at least I think that is what he said, and this only three weeks after their first date! As we had been praying that God would bring the right person along at the right time as a husband for each of our girls, we could not very well say, 'No.' This is a reminder that prayer is a serious business. Do you really want what you are asking God for, as he may answer sooner than you expect? As an aside, when we were in Turkey we went through a little country village that had empty bottles cemented on to some of the chimneys. Our tour guide told us that it signified that there were daughters of marriageable in that home. I thought at the time that I should put three bottles on our chimney. It will only need to be two now.

There are many positive things that come from parenthood. While no family is perfect, and families now take many different forms, they do exercise a powerful influence upon your life and play a key role in determining who you become. First there is your family name. Your family name gives you a sense of identity. With some names in earlier times it was very simple to work out who a person was as their family name made it very clear. The surname, Williamson, meant your were William's son. This still happens in India. You will remember Peter and Beaula David who were part of our congregation for several years before going back to India earlier this year. Peter surname was his father's Christian name, and Samuel, Peter's son, has Peter as his surname. In earlier times your family name may have indicated what your occupation was, like Miller, or Shepherd. Your family name is important as it helps you to know who you are, where you have come from, who and what has made you the person you are. Your family name is very important to your sense of personhood.

Christian names likewise can be a way of linking you to your extended family. You may be given the name of someone special to your family. When you look back in family genealogies you can see this very clearly. Certain names crop up time and time again. Sometimes you wonder how a certain name got to be included in the family tree, but when you look back you can see where it originated, and can be explained in this way. Sometimes it is by accident. We had our first New Zealand Botting Family Reunion in 1977 when Jane was six months old and my sister had a son, Robert, much the same age. It was only as we planned for the Reunion that we realised that without thinking about it we had both named our children after the first couple to come to New Zealand, Robert William and Jane Botting. It was only while in Scotland in June that I realised that Bradley and Soo's Andrew has the same name as his Scottish great-great-great grandfather who immigrated to New Zealand in the 1880's. We also discovered that this Andrew belonged to the Gordon clan, and this is a photo with Andrew wearing a tie with the dress tartan of that clan. (Sharing time about Christian names, starting with the youngest in the group.)

 

A name can also locate a family. For example the Botting family name has strong associations with Otago as that was where the family first settled when they came to New Zealand in search of gold. Going further back the family has strong links with Sussex, in the United Kingdom, not that they come exclusively from this part of the UK, but that has been and still is the home of many of the Botting family. (Blank screen) A name can also locate individuals. For example if you are the son or daughter of the Prime Minister, or the brother or sister of someone important, there will be certain expectations that come from that association (cf Paul Holmes daughter). Also names communicate a shared identity. There can be a sense of cultural and corporate identity with being a Botting descendant, what our life means through things we do together and common stories.

 

Rituals we have as a family, what we do for birthdays, how we celebrate Christmas, where we go on holiday, are important for holding a family together and giving it its unique identity. This is especially important for small children as it gives them the sense of belonging, and provides security and purpose that is hard to communicate in any other way. Children love ritual, when we do the same things over and over again. Meals and hospitality are a key area in which family rituals play a significant part. (CF Abraham Genesis 18) When people stay there may be certain things that are done differently. These can help children understand the importance of hospitality and that guests to the home should not only be welcomed but also treated with generosity and thoughtfulness. Celebrations are another focus for family rituals, events like Christmas, who gets to open their presents first and when. How we greet people who come to the home can have a ritual character. (Sharing about family rituals, starting with the oldest in the group.)

 

Weekly or daily patterns are also important. When I was primary school age we always had people come for the Sunday roast dinner, at least it seemed as though it happened every week as we children had to do the dishes which, when you realise that there my parents and seven of us children, plus always my grandparents, and then the visitors, was no mean task. However, having visitors enriched our lives as many of them were Bible College students who were training for ministry in the Associated Churches of Christ, now called "The Christian church."

 

Family stories are also important. There is a traditional proverb that says:

A house is a place furnished by furniture

A home is a place furnished by memories

Every family has its stories. My grandfather had many. He had been a salesman all his life and progressed from selling tea to selling insurance policies and then later gravestones. Whenever he started out on one of his stories, if my grandmother overheard him, she would call out, "That one's got whiskers on it." As children we never tired of hearing the same story over and over again. It was like part of our family folklore. The mantle of family story-teller has fallen on by older brother, Andrew. He is always a great favourite with our children, and soon has them laughing as he relates stories of the past. You may remember this scene about Frodo and Sam from the Two Towers, the second film in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, (DVD Clip). Sam said to Frodo, "Will they sing songs about us in years to come." Family stories help us know who we are. This is because a family is not just a group of people, but a community of memory - not just people with a story, but people who are a story. We are contributing to that story everyday. Family stories give identity to who we are and who we are becoming, so they help give meaning to the present. (Have someone share one such story with your group.)

 

 

So it is important for families to create rituals that help children gain a sense of family identity. These can be around regular events such as preparing meals, mealtimes, washing dishes, doing work together around the house, also times that provide connection points for parents and children, when they can relax and talk together. These establish shared memories that help bind a family together, and also affirm a child's value as s/he does tasks on behalf of other family members.

 

One of the rituals, you might call it is to share a short Bible reading, a thought and prayer at the dinner table after the meal each evening. It was a practice that Grace's family did every night and we have continued it. We can pick up the thing for which we can thank God and concerns we can commit to God in these times.

 

Much wise counsel has been given over the years about how we can strengthen the family. Jane came across one at Kilravock Castle where she has been working for the past two years. This castle has always had a strong Christian heritage and it is picked up in this quote she sent home from Hugh Rose. In the preface of "A History of the Rose" written approximately 1683 and now inscribed above the fireplace in the Baronial hall of Kilravock Castle in 1926 by Lt. Col. Hugh Rose, Kilravock the 24^th, it says, "Religion, justice, truth, mercie and the exercise of the fear of God are surer preservers of a familie than all the other methods and measures in the world." In this statement, Hugh Rose identifies the key qualities that make for strong and happy family life. 'Religion' has to do with the beliefs that guide our living. It is the outworking of the values and principles we hold dear. The word 'justice' captures the sense of rightness, fairness that needs to direct our life together as families, particularly for parents in bringing up their children. It also carries with it the values of honesty and openness. 'Truth' and 'justice' are closely linked to one another, as truth is what leads to good judgment. 'Mercie' speaks of the qualities of love, caring, compassion, warmth, understanding, sensitivity, patience, forbearance, gentleness, humility, all of which make for a happy home. These are things that we as parents strive for and seek to model for our children, even if we fall far short of them at times.

 

The last quality Hugh Rose speaks of is 'the exercise of the fear of God.' The phrase 'fear of God' can be misunderstood as people have the wrong conception of what it means. A better way of expressing it is as 'an awesome reverence, ' a 'deep respect' for God. This is an attitude of heart and mind that under girds our lives and our living, and that Hugh Rose says is a necessary preserver of families. It is advice that is needed today with so many families struggling to stay together.

 

The two passages that were read to us this morning help us to understand why we should revere and respect God as families. Both make mention of families. Reading from the NRSV Genesis 12:3 reads, "I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse; and in you all the families of the earth will be blessed." The underlined words tell us very clearly that God wants to bless every family on earth. This has been his intention from the very beginning. The word translated here as 'family' occurs frequently in the Old Testament, 303 times to be exact. In the Western world we tend to think of 'family' in the sense of a nuclear family, Mum, Dad and the kids, but that is a relatively modern development, which we can trace back to the time of industrial revolution. This was when large numbers of people flocked to the cities for work in the new industries that were being set up. Prior to the industrial revolution the concept of the nuclear family was virtually unknown, which is still the case in many other cultures. Each family was an economic unit, with every member contributing to its survival, even the children. It was much wider than parents and their children. The term 'extended family' better captures what existed prior to the time. This term comes closer to what is meant by this word "family" as it us used in Genesis. It is the family grouping that comes between what we know as a nuclear family and what could be termed as the large family grouping or tribe. Perhaps the closest translation would be "clan." For example it is used in Genesis 24 when Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac. Abraham gave his servant very clear instructions. He said must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, "but go to my father's family and my own clan, and get a wife for my son."[1] The word 'clan' is the same word that is used in Genesis 12:3.

 

Another example is found in the story of Israel's capture of the city of Jericho under Joshua's leadership. This word is used of those that belonged to the prostitute Rahab, who risked her life by hiding the Israelite spies who had come to check out the city before the Israelite army attacked it. The context makes it quite clear who is meant by 'family.' "So the young men who had done the spying went in and brought out Rahab, her father and mother, her brothers and sisters and all who belonged to her. They brought out her entire family and put them in a place outside the camp of Israel."[2] This helps clarify who is included in the promise given to Abraham. God had us in mind when he made that promise almost four millennium ago. That promise of blessing for every family is fulfilled in Jesus Christ.[3] He is the one in whom we see "religion, justice, truth, mercie and the exercise of the fear of God" demonstrated clearly, and who through what he did at the first Easter makes it possible for us to live that way, too.

 

In the passage we read from Ephesians we find this verse: "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name."[4] This verse first of all, shows the connection between every family and the God who created us. Families were his idea. Its how he created it to be from the beginning. We belong to him.

 

John Drane's in his book The McDonaldisation of the Church (p.17) shares about listening to a Kenyan speaker in the chapel service at Fuller Seminary. She helpfully contrasted the formula made famous by the philosopher, Descarte (Cartesian formula), 'I think, therefore I am', with the wisdom of her own culture, which preferred to say, 'I am, because we belong.' When I read this it made me think of the importance of the sense of belonging in people's lives, knowing where our roots are, the sense of having somewhere that we can call home, and then seeing how the gospel addresses that need. This verse in Ephesians tells us that God intended for all the families of the earth to have that sense of belonging somewhere, that is, as part of his family in Jesus Christ (cf Eph 1).

 

This verse also uses the word 'name.' "...the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name." In Scripture names carry more value and importance than in modern usage. A person's name reveals his or her character. We still use it in that sense today when we talk of a person's good name, and by that mean the person's character. Often names in the Bible refer to what the person would become. Sometimes God gave persons new names as he did to Abraham, and as Jesus did Jesus to Peter, because it more correctly expressed the purpose of God being worked out in that person's life. That is also true of families. In family we are to display the characteristics of God, those mentioned by Hugh Rose - justice, truth, mercie and a reverence for God.

 

This verse speaks of families belonging to God and displaying the character of God in its life. We know that the latter is not always so, and this is why we need to note what else Paul says in the closing verses of Ephesians 3. These verses make reference to all three persons of the Trinity because Paul goes on to say: "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."[5] And then how as God's Son lives in our hearts through faith, we can begin to grasp the full dimensions of God's love, and that as we do so we may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God. It ends with the wonderful promise of what we can become through the power of God working within us- "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."[6]