“LOVING WITH YOUR WORDS”[1]

40 Days of Love - Part 3

23 August 2009

Readings: Matthew 5:33-37; Ephesians 4:25-32; James 3:1-12 TNIV

We are now beginning Week 3 of 40 Days of Love. If this is your first time at St David’s in the Fields, or if you have missed the services these past two weeks, we’re in the middle of a series where we’re looking at how God loves us, and what that means about how we are to love each other.

Today we’re going to be talking about how you love with your words? How do you love when it comes to the all important subject of communication?

If we are honest we all have to admit that we have all fallen down in this area at some time or other. We have said things that were unkind, unnecessary, hurtful, and untrue, either intentionally or unintentionally. The Bible acknowledges this when it says in James 3:2: “All of us often make mistakes. But if a person never makes a mistake in what he says, he is perfect.”[2] It’s very easy to say the wrong thing. Sometimes it slips out without our meaning it, or we couldn’t think quick enough to put what we wanted to say nicely. It’s frustrating when that happens, and often ends up hurting those we love the most.

This morning we are going to look at some practical things that we can do this week that will really make a difference. But before that, we’ll take a quick look at what James and Jesus say about communication. James in his letter in the New Testament talks about the importance of our words. He says: “My mouth directs where I go.” That’s why our words are so important. They direct where I go. Secondly, “My mouth can destroy what I have.” Because they’re so powerful, words can also be destructive. And, “My mouth displays who I really am.” Our words reveal what we are really like inside. You can learn a lot about a person just by listening to what they say, and how they say it.

James illustrates the importance of each of these three truths by giving us a picture of what they are like. He likens the truth, “My mouth directs where I go,” to the rudder of a ship. The rudder is a relatively small part of a ship, but it has great influence as it directs where the ship will go, no matter what its size. A small rudder guides even great ocean liners. James says that our words, our conversation is like the rudder of a ship. They direct where I go. That’s the power of words.

Words can also “destroy what I have.” The picture James gives to illustrate this is of a fire. Fires can be good, but all of us know how easily they can get out of control, and when they do they can be very destructive. Words are exactly the same. When they are not used wisely they can destroy friendships, marriages, families, workplaces, and that’s why they need to be used with care.

Our words also “display” who we are. They reveal our character. What you are on the inside is shown on the outside by your words. The picture James gives is that of a spring. He says that you never get both fresh and salty water from the same spring. It is either one or the other. If it’s a fresh water spring, you know you’re going to get good water from it. If it’s salty you won’t drink there.

But here’s the problem with our mouths. Good and bad come out of the same mouth. One minute you’re saying kind things, and then the next hurtful things. How can that happen? Where did those words come from? Jesus helps us to understand what’s going on, and in doing so he gives us hope.

Look at what he has to say about where our words come from in Matthew 12:34: “Words flow out of what fills the heart.”[3] Whatever’s in my heart is going to come out in what I say. It’s inevitable. You can try and bottle it up, but eventually it comes out in something I say. But that’s not all.

There’s another truth Jesus teaches us. He says: “Your souls aren’t harmed by what you eat, but by what you think and say!”[4] Not only do my words show what’s in my heart, but also my words speak back into my soul. For example, when you are angry you speak angry words. But speaking them doesn’t make you feel better, it just makes you feel angrier inside. It’s an easy trap to get caught in. How do you prevent that? What hope is there of change?

You say, “Jesus Christ, please change my heart, because I want to say the right kind of words? And please change my words because I want to have the right kind of heart.”

You ask for his help with both your heart and your words, and that’s what make the difference. God cares about our words because he cares about the way that we love.

What is encouraging to me is that I’m not in this alone. Neither are you. Jesus Christ wants to help you in this part of your life.

With that encouragement in mind let’s look at some specific ways that you and I can love people with our words.

1. Love people with honest words. The best example of this is Jesus. When he walked this earth he had many conversations with people from every sector of society. Some of those conversations have been recorded for us, and they show us how he talked to people. One thing that stands out very clearly is that Jesus was absolutely honest in what he said. Sometimes it might have sounded harsh, such as when he called the teachers of the law and the Pharisees “You bunch of hypocrites,”[5] or ‘white-washed tombs’ and ‘snakes’,[6] but it was the kind of honesty that was needed to challenge people.

Another time he said to Peter, one of the disciples, “Satan, get behind me!”[7] Jesus had to talk straight with Peter to point out that he was only looking at things from a human perspective, not God’s.

Or another time Jesus said to his disciples, “Oh, you stubborn faithless people. How long shall I put up with you?”[8] If we are honest, some of the things he says surprise us. You might think, “I wouldn’t have said it that way!” But Jesus could speak like that because he was talking out of honesty not because he was irritated. He was responding out of love, not anger. The motivation behind what he said is really important. For many of us it is easier to be nice that to be honest. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. But the problem is, being nice doesn’t change my heart or anybody else’s heart. You don’t learn anything through just being nice. The challenge in what Jesus said, is that if I want to impact people’s lives, I’ve got to be honest.

How do you do it? This phrase in Ephesians talks about how it works: “…speaking the truth in love…”[9] That’s how it works. It takes both truth and love. It can’t be one or the other. All some people have is the truth, but if it is spoken without love, it can be quite hurtful. It can make people feel really bad. The end result is doing more harm than good to one’s relationships. People need to see you’re telling the truth because you love them, you care about them, and not that you want to hurt them. Yes, we are to speak the truth. That’s being honest, but it must be spoken in love. It takes both truth and love.

Equally we must guard against the reverse; that is being loving but not truthful. There might be a kernel of truth in what you say, but it’s wrapped up in so many other words that what you really want to say and need to say just doesn’t get through. You have probably had one of those conversations with someone that leaves you walking away thinking, “I know they were trying to tell me something, but I have no idea what it was.” You have to love and care about people, but you also need to be truthful.

Proverbs has much wise counsel on how to speak. For example it says: “An open rebuke is better than hidden love!”[10] Although you might want people saying good things about you, what you value most in your really close friendships is honesty. You want somebody who’s going to tell you the truth when you mess up, or when you’re just not seeing things clearly. We all need people like that in our lives, who will speak openly and honestly to us. That’s important.

Look at this next verse: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”[11] There is a joy that comes from speaking the truth and being honest with each other. There is no hidden agenda. It is all up front; we know where we stand, and that is liberating. This is your memory verse for week 3. Let’s say it together putting the reference before and after the verse: 1 Corinthians 13:6 “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:6.

Honest words start with honesty in my own heart. If I want to be honest with other people, I need first to be honest with myself. We can help and encourage each other to be honest.

First, you love people with honest words. Secondly,

2. Love people with careful words. Words have tremendous power for good and evil, and so you have to take care how you use them. All of you will have experienced at some or other the impact of wrong words. These are three areas where care needs to be taken with our words - anger, gossip, and talking too much.

Regarding anger, Ephesians 4:26-27 says: “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you’re still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”[12] Anger in itself is not bad, but when used in the wrong way it can be very destructive to relationships. One of the ways we express anger is in arguments. I have heard some couples say that they have never had an argument all their married life, but I would think that it is the exception rather than the norm. Things happen that make people angry, and because of that we need to learn how to deal with anger. The energy that’s released when we are angry can be used in positive and constructive ways to improve relationships.

Communication can be a battlefield. Because we are all different, we respond in different ways. Some of us dig foxholes. We clam up and just watch and wait for the right time to strike.

Some of us store it up. We create a munitions dump by storing up all the hurts we’ve experienced, and then one day the whole lot goes up. We let it all out.

Others bring out the big guns all the time. They don’t save anything up, but use it all in every argument.

It is sad when we treat communication like a battleground. When we think that somebody has to win and somebody has to lose. What happens is that both lose, or the whole family loses. The only one who wins is the devil. This verse warns us against giving the devil a foothold when we get angry.

How do you prevent that from happening? This verse tells us very clearly. “Don’t let the sun go down while you’re still angry…” That’s how you deal with anger. This is not just good advice. It is God’s command. Why? Because he loves us and he knows us. He knows how we’re wired, and if I let my anger go to the next day, it very quickly turns to bitterness and the argument or problem that caused the upset gets harder and harder to solve.

The Bible doesn’t say you have to solve it immediately. Sometimes you need to count to ten, or go for a drive around the block, or better still go for a walk, as you don’t concentrate well if you are driving when you are angry. Give yourself time to calm down, but deal with it as best you can before the next day. If you don’t, God says you’re giving Satan a foothold in your relationship, and that’s a very dangerous thing to do.

There’s a little poem by Will Rogers that is worth remembering when we are angry:

“Be careful of the words you say.

Keep them soft and sweet.

You never know from day to day,

which ones you’ll have to eat.”

And another by Ogden Nash,

“To keep your marriage brimming with love in a loving cup,

whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”

Another area where we need to use careful words, is in the area of gossip. When I hear the word gossip, it reminds of the saying: “I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully.” This significant thing about gossip when we read about it in God’s word, is that it is right up there with sexual immorality and murder. God includes gossip on the same list, which gives us an indication of the seriousness of this sin.

We have all been guilty of this at some time or other. Many magazines would go out of print very quickly if they decided not to print articles on the latest gossip of the rich and famous. It is very big business. There is usually a whole range of magazines handy to the checkout counter at the supermarket that have all manner of articles, much of it gossip.

Here is some very wise counsel: don’t share anything with someone who’s not part of the problem or part of the solution. That’s a good way to deal with gossip in your own life. When writing emails, a good check on whether it is information that should be shared with others is to ask, “Would I be comfortable about copying this to the person I am writing about? Would I say what I’m saying about them differently?”

What can you do when people want to share information with you that you know you don’t want to listen to? One thing you can do is to ask them if they have prayed with that person for this situation. The Biblical way to respond when a person has offended you is to go to that person and talk to them about it, not talk to others. Another thing you say is, “Wow, that is an important prayer request. When I pass it on can I quote you as being the one who shared that?”

Both anger and gossip are destructive of relationships. A third thing is talking too much. Saying too much can get you into trouble. Proverbs 21:23 says: “Watch your words and hold your tongue; you’ll save yourself a lot of grief.”[13] The more you talk, the more opportunity there is of saying something that shouldn’t be said. Look at Proverbs 17:28: “Even fools are thought to be wise when they keep silent. When they keep their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.”[14] Just listening to other people makes you look intelligent and leaves a good impression. Proverbs also says that you will sin less by not talking too much,[15] and that you will preserve your life if you do so.[16]

Some people naturally talk more than others. Generally speaking women talk more than men, and that can be that whereas for men talking is more concerned with sharing information, with women talking is for interaction, as relationships are nurtured through conversation. We are wired differently, and we need to make allowances for that, and rejoice in our differences. Our personalities are different and that means we communicate differently. Some people take a long time getting to the point. They are like a helicopter that hovers for a little while in one place, then goes over here and hovers for a little while. Then they land over here for a little while, which is not where they’ll eventually land, then take off again. It can be frustrating if you are a person who like to get straight to the point, and what happens is that you find yourself finishing their sentences for them. You are probably more like a jet that takes off quickly and gets there by the shortest route and then lands right on the dot. In our talking with each other, the loving thing is to recognize that because our personalities are different we have different ways of communicating and to make allowances for that.

So when it comes to the amount of words you use and how you use those words which personality is the best? The answer is whatever personality God gave you, whichever one you’re wired to be. It isn’t a matter of your copying somebody else’s personality in order to communicate better. It’s a matter of bringing what we’re talking about into your personality, who God made you to be, and letting that begin to breathe life into all of your relationships.

You do that by loving people with honest words, by loving people with careful words, and also a third way…

3. Love people with building words. Words can build up or they can tear down. Words can build a marriage relationship or tear it down. Words can build a child’s self esteem or tear it down. Words can help build a relationship with someone that you would like to share Christ with, or they can tear that relationship down. We have to stop and think: is this going to build up or is this going to tear down? Ephesians 4:29 says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs…”[17] Are my words building other people up according to their needs? Is this what the other person needs from me or is it just what I feel like giving right now?

This verse also talks about not letting any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths. What does that mean? When you think about unwholesome talk the first thing you might think of is swear words, and obviously words that demean another person are not going to build that person up. But that’s not all. There are words that we use that just aren’t helpful. It maybe something you say when you don’t want to hear or talk about a matter any more. It cuts off the conversation. It’s like saying, “That’s it. I don’t want to hear any more. Have it your way.” We all have different ways of saying things that just are not helpful.

What is necessary in this area is to learn to think before you speak, to engage your mind before you engage your mouth. Here is an acrostic on the word ‘THINK’ that is helpful to remember about what to say.

T – Is it Truthful? Before you say something, ask yourself, “Is it the whole truth and

nothing but the truth? Or is it not quite accurate, or expresses an attitude that makes you look better than the other person? Is it truthful?

H – Is it Helpful? Is it going to add something positive to the situation, or is it going to be

harmful or hurtful to the person I am talking to?

I – Is it Inspirational? Is it going to build up or tear down? Is it going to give people hope

and courage, and make them want to move forward in their life?

N – Is it Necessary? This relates to talking too much. Some things aren’t necessarily

wrong to say, but they’re just not necessary and are better left unsaid.

K – Is it Kind? This is what we been looking at in our small groups this past week? Is what we are going to say kind, because love is kind.

Think before you speak. Reflect before you react. There’s great power in doing that. Even if you don’t remember what each letter stands for, just remembering the acrostic before you say something will make a big difference.

On your outline there are listed five specific, powerful ways of speaking. As we go through these, tick one of them. You may need all five of these, but choose one and say, “This is the one I’m going to work on this week.

As you go through these, recognizing that Jesus Christ wants to help you and strengthen you in this, tick the one where you want his strength this week.

The first is Kind words. The Bible says that kind words have the power to transform worry to joy. That’s how powerful they are. Proverbs 12:25 “Worry can rob you of happiness, but kind words will cheer you up.”[18] When people are worried, we tend to get anxious too and that can lead us to saying things that are unhelpful and unkind. The appropriate word spoken at the right time and in the right way can be a real blessing to someone going through a tough time. This verse is not in your outline but you might like to write down the reference. Proverbs 15:23: “…a word spoken in due season, how good it is.” Or in the TNIV: “How good is a timely word.”[19] Kind words when somebody’s worried have the power to transform that worry into a joy.

Kind words are also powerful when you’re sharing the good news of God’s love. William Barclay said a long time ago: “More people have been brought into the church by the kindness of Christian love than by all the theological arguments in the world.” And we know that’s true. Maybe that’s the one for you to work on this week. The next one is…

Gentle words. Gentle words have the power to break through anger. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”[20] Gentle words break through anger. They’re incredibly powerful. Harsh words are easy to say, but gentle words take great courage and strength. The word “gentle” literally means ‘power under control.’ When you’re trying to do the right thing and somebody’s unkind to you, it takes real strength to remain calm and respond in love. Maybe that’s the one you need to check. Gentle words.

Or Pleasant words. Pleasant words encourage learning. Proverbs says: “Pleasant or ‘gracious’ words promote instruction.”[21] Often when you’re trying to help someone learn something and they’re not getting it, we end up raising our voices as though that is going to help them understand. What it does is puts up a barrier to our communication with that person. It might be trying to help one of your children learn something. We’ve all been guilty of this. Pleasant words promote instruction. Maybe you need to check this one.

Maybe it’s Honest words. Honest words make us feel loved. When you flatter somebody you’re not being honest with them, but if you take the risk to be honest then they feel they can trust you. That’s why the Bible says: “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.”[22] It’s talking about the kiss of friendship. Being open and honest in what we say is an important part of loving. It is easier to be nice than to be honest. If you believe you need to bring some honest love into your conversations this week, then that’s the one to check. Or maybe it’s the next one.

Wise words. Wise words about God, about his word, about his work. Wise words heal broken hearts. Proverbs 12:18: “Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.” That’s the power of speech; the power to heal a broken heart.

We need to apply what we are learning week by week during 40 Days of Love if we are to learn to love God and other people better over this time. Check the one you are going to work on this week.

If our words were like an investment, and thinking back over the past three to four months, if every time you said a word that was positive and honest and built someone up you deposited a hundred dollars in a bank, and every time you said something negative or derogatory or unkind you withdrew a hundred dollars, would you be ahead or behind right now when it comes to the investment of your words?

In the current economic climate there is a lot of concern about investments, but what is of greater eternal significance is the investment of your words. Your finances are only going to last as long as you’re on earth, but not so your words? Jesus said that at the last judgment you and I will be called to account for every careless word that we’ve spoken, and we’ll be rewarded for every helpful word we’ve spoken. That’s how long the investment of your words is going to last, not only in people’s lives here in earth, but for eternity.

In light of that, we need God’s help with our words. I invite you to join me in this prayer.

Prayer:

“Lord, help me with my words this week. Instead of trying to control my tongue, I’m trusting you to guide my words. I’m asking you for the strength and courage and love to speak honestly, to speak carefully, and words that build up those I live and work with. I’m asking for your help because I know you love me. I ask for it in your name. Amen.”

[1] Adapted from sermon by Tom Holladay September 27-28, 2008

[6] Cf. Matthew 15:7; 22:18; 23:13, 15, 23, 25, 27 29