"LOVE LETS IT GO"[1]

40 Days of Love - Part 4

30 August 2009

Readings: Luke 6:27-36; 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 TNIV

 

Welcome to Part four in 40 Days of Love. So far we have looked in Part One at making love your highest aim because it matters most, in part two loving like Jesus loves me, and last week loving with your words. The key question is, has what you have heard and read and discussed in your small groups begun to make any difference? Can you say that you are more loving than you were a month ago? Hopefully your understanding of what it means to be a loving person has grown. They key is to translate that understanding into our everyday life. I have commented in the September Parish News that 40 Days of Love sits well with our church's purpose statement - "To make Jesus Christ known through love in action..." That is what we are on about here at St David's in the Fields. We can use these few weeks to fine tune our loving so that we are both working towards excellence in our relationships, and fulfilling what we believe is the reason for our existence as a congregation.

 

So far we have established the fact that life is all about learning to love. We have considered aspects of this each Sunday. A good number of us have been looking at it in small groups, and most if not all of us in our daily reading with the Relationship Principles of Jesus, the book you received at the beginning of the programme.

 

One of the ways that God builds your love is through testing it. He tests it by putting you around people you find difficult to love. It's easy to love loving people. But for God to teach you real love he's going to put you around unlovely people.

 

This morning we are going to look at what what Rick Warren calls VDP - Very Draining People. We have mentioned EGR people - Extra Grace Required. The ones we are looking at today are VDP - Very Draining People. They fall into four groups and you will probably recognize them when I mention them. There are Difficult people. There are Demanding people. There are Disappointing people. There are Destructive people. Throughout your life you will come across all four of these. God says, "I want you to learn to love these people in the way that's best for them."

 

'Difficult people.' They're people who are hard to work with; hard to get along with, and virtually impossible to please. The primary characteristics of difficult people is that they're rude and obnoxious. It's hard to love people like this. 'Difficult people.'

 

The second type, 'Demanding people,' are people who have an agenda. They're aggressive and pushy. They want things their way. They tend to be insistent, stubborn, and think they're always right. They can be very self-centered because they're not thinking about others. We have those in our lives.

 

The third kind, 'Disappointing people,' are usually well intentioned, and don't mean to hurt you. These are people who let you down. Maybe they break promises that they say they'll keep, or they fail you in some other way. You're going to have this kind of person in your life, and you have to learn how to love them in the way that God wants you to love them.

 

The most difficult of all are the 'Destructive people.' These people are intentional about harming you. It's sad to say but there are hateful people in this world. They can be deceitful, double dealing, deadly and dangerous. But they're in your life. The destructive people who hurt you, who harm you, who wound you.

How do you respond in love to each of these four groups of people?

 

One verse in the Bible from the chapter we've been looking at in our small groups - 1 Corinthians 13 - tells us the four ways that love deals with these four types of people. It says "Love is not rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and love keeps no record of when it has been wronged."[2] When you understand these four ways, and you begin to build them into your life, you graduate from the Bachelor's degree level of love to the Master's degree level.

 

The first type of VDP - very draining person - that you're going to have to learn to love, are 'Difficult' people. Have you noticed that people are becoming increasingly rude and discourteous? You can find it at work, at home, in restaurants, in malls, on the road, all around you.

 

Let me ask you a question. What form of rudeness irritates you most? Think about it for a few seconds and then turn to the person sitting beside you and say, "One thing that really bugs me is..." Don't give them your whole list. Just one thing!

 

One of things that bugs me is when people behind me toot their horn even when I have driven off as soon as the light turned green.

 

How do you respond in love to difficult people? The Bible says: "Love is not rude." So

 

1. Be tactful, not just truthful. Love is tactful. One of the ways that you can be tactful is simply by listening to them first. They may have a point. No person's opinion is entirely worthless. Even a clock that is not going is right twice a day. If you listen to people sympathetically rather than being difficult back and respond tactfully, that is the loving response to a difficult person.

 

Listening really goes with tact because the number one form of rudeness in our society today is interrupting people before they have finished what they were wanting to say. Look at what the Bible says about this. "Answering before listening is both stupid and rude."[3] It is rude to jump to conclusions because we are assuming we know what other person is thinking. As the saying goes: To assume makes an ass of you and me. No. Tact is listening because love listens, and then responds tactfully, not just truthfully, without interrupting. People with tact have less to retract. You're not going to have to eat your words if you listen first. Love listens and is tactful.

 

Look at this next verse: "Stop being bitter and angry and mad at each other. Don't yell at one another or curse each other or ever be rude. Instead, be kind and merciful and forgiving. Forgive others, just as God forgave you because of Christ."[4] This says, "...don't ... ever be rude," and "don't yell at one another or curse each other." People who just speak their mind and tell it like it is can often be downright rude; and that is not a good way to communicate. Telling it like it is labels people, and reinforces the negative. Instead telling it like it could be - like saying, "You could be a great woman of God." "You could be a great man of God." "You could make a difference with your life." - that actually builds people up, and helps people move forward. Love listens and love is tactful.

 

Proverbs says: "A wise, mature person is known for his understanding. The more pleasant his words, the more persuasive he is."[5] Circle "pleasant" and circle "persuasive" and draw a line between them. The more pleasant you are, the more persuasive you are. Being abrasive doesn't work. The way you say something determines the way it's received. If you say it offensively it's going to be received defensively. Tact and tone always go together. In fact the tone can change the very meaning of the word, even just saying the word, "Hello." You can say something very difficult, which if said in a loving tone will be received much better. That's why love has a lot to do with your words. It's being truthful - you're not lying about it - but it's saying it tactfully.

 

God wants you and I to seek excellence in love, and love is not rude. When someone's rude to you, don't retaliate.

 

A member of a baseball team that had just been wasted by their opponents, came up to one of the winning team's players after the game and said, "Your team sucks!" A boy who was just a teenager at the time, looked at him and instead of retaliating said, "You pitched a great game." When you try to get even with somebody, it puts you on the same level with them. But God wants you to be above that. Say something encouraging back. Love is tactful not just truthful.

 

The second kind of group you're going to have to deal with is 'Demanding' people.

 

These are the people who always want their way because their way is right and your way is always wrong. You can never quite please them. How do you respond in love to demanding people? The Bible says: "Love does not demand its own way." So,

 

2. I must Be understanding, not demanding.

 

Jesus is the best example of this. Philippians 2. "Your attitude should be the same that Jesus Christ had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form."[6] Circle "did not demand and cling to his rights." He was God, but he was understanding, not demanding.

 

One of the greatest tests of your character is how you treat the people who serve you. The waiters, waitresses, flight attendants, the people at fast food places, the person who delivers your mail, secretaries, employees, people who work with you. How do you treat the people who help you out? Do you even notice them? Do you know their names? It's treating people with respect. They do their job but nobody's pays any attention to them, or considers their feelings. Nobody's sympathetic of what they're going through.

 

So here's your homework for this week. Practice being understanding, not demanding. If you go out to lunch today or you go to a store, be understanding not demanding, realizing that that whoever is serving you may be going through a tough time. Be nice to the people there.

 

Do you know the best place to practice being understanding and not demanding? It is at home. Sometimes we're more polite to strangers than we are to those in our own homes. I have been guilty of that at times and have had to apologise.

 

Titus 3:2 "Believers shouldn't curse anyone or be quarrelsome, but they should be gentle and show courtesy to everyone."[7] Circle "courtesy." Courtesy is showing love in little things. You are kind to people. A lot of marriages die from a lack of courtesy, because the things that you used to do for each other you don't do any more - the thoughtful things, the notes, the cards, the flowers, the calls, opening the door. A lot of marriages are buried from a lack of courtesy.

 

How do you be more understanding of people who are demanding in your life?

 

The Bible tells us that patience comes from perspective. That the more you know and understand about a person the more patient you're going to be with them. It is easy to be impatient with people you don't understand. But when you know them well, you are going to know what is called the three B's - their background, their battles and their burdens. Before you get irritated with anybody, you need to say, do I know their background? Do I know the battles they're going through right now? Do I know the burdens they're carrying? That will make you a lot more courteous to other people.

 

We often look at people and think how much they need to improve. But we don't stop and say, I wonder how far they've come? Maybe they grew up in a very dysfunctional home where they had no model of courtesy, and ought to be applauded for how far they have come. We look at where they are now, but don't appreciate how far they've come to get there.

 

Look at their background. Look at their burdens. What are the problems they're carrying? They may be sick. The reason they may be a little irritable or demanding is they're not feeling well. Maybe they have a back problem. The surgery hasn't come yet. There are all kinds of battles and burdens that people carry that you and I don't know about. Love is understanding, not demanding.

 

Proverbs says, "A man's wisdom [that means having his perspective] gives him patience. [Patience comes from perspective.] It is his glory to overlook an offense."[8] Do you overlook offenses or are you the kind of person that is easily offended? The Bible says, it is a glory to a man's or woman's character to overlook an offense. Just ignore it, let it go. It is applying the golden rule: "Do to others as you would have them do to you."[9] That's all we're talking about. It's being understanding, not demanding.

 

Does that mean that I'm supposed to let somebody who is a demanding person run all over me and let them say whatever they want?

 

No. Jesus never caved in to manipulators. The religious leaders, the Pharisees, always tried to manipulate Jesus. They were extremely demanding and legalistic. They had all kinds of demands that they couldn't keep themselves. Jesus didn't let demanding people push him around. Being understanding, not demanding is love in action.

 

There's a third group that we have to deal with; that is 'Disappointing people.' You're going to be disappointed in life. In fact, everybody in your life at some time or other is going to disappoint you, whether it be your friends, or your family, your husband or your wife. They're going to disappoint you. I have probably disappointed you as your minister. Why? Because nobody's perfect!

How does love respond when we're disappointed by people? The third thing the Bible says is "Love is not irritable." So I must

 

3. Be gentle, not judgmental.

 

I don't often toot the horn of the car at people, but I did do it last week. The woman driver of the car in the outside lane was drifting over into my lane and getting very close to the front of my car which was almost level with hers. There was no indication as to what she was going to do. I didn't know if it was just a lapse of concentration on her part or if she was meaning to change lanes, so I tooted the horn and she quickly moved back into her lane. However, as I drove on it made me think that maybe the loving thing to do in that situation was instead of tooting the horn to have slowed a little and wait to see what she was going to do. I was jumping to conclusions. My response was probably more judgmental than gentle.

 

The Bible says this: "Brothers and sisters, if someone in your group does something wrong, you who are spiritual should go to that person and gently help make him right again. But be careful, because you might be tempted to sin too."[10]

 

You might want to circle the word "gently." How do you have tough conversations with people in a gentle way? How do you confront people you love when you see they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. The Bible tells us to do it gently, not harshly, not in a rude or mean way, but with gentleness and respect.

 

The Bible says: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. [Notice it says "whatever grievances." You can't be selective about this.] Forgive as the Lord forgave you."[11]

 

Then in Romans the Bible says this: "Each of us will give an account of himself to God. [We're not going to have to give it to each other] Therefore, let's stop passing judgment on each other."[12]

 

It's important to understand the difference between using your judgment and being judgmental. There are people who let all kinds of things go on in relationships and say, "I don't want to be judgmental." So instead they become victims. There's a difference between using your judgment and being judgmental. You have to use your judgment so you can see when something's going wrong, to be able to know what the truth is. There's nothing wrong with doing that. But the truth is not judgmental. It's only judgmental when you start determining what their sentence is going to be.

 

The Bible says you've got to use your judgment. You've got to be smart about things. But you don't have to be judgmental with people. Proverbs says: "Gentle words bring life and health. A deceitful tongue crushes the spirit."[13] The Message paraphrase puts it this way: "Kind words heal and help. But cutting words wound and maim."

 

We always have a choice when we need to speak to somebody, especially to our children. Cutting words can wound and maim a child for years.

Grace and I were at the CMA 31^st birthday party last Thursday, and a woman across the table was telling us of a woman who when asked why she never married, said, "My mother told me when she I was young that I was ugly and that no man would ever want me." The Bible says kind words are words that will heal and help. So when one of your children make a mistake, don't say what you think they are at that moment. Give them a vision of how things could be. Speak words of life and health and hope into them, rather that words of judgment and harshness. Be gentle.

 

It's the same in our marriages. How many marriage problems could have been resolved if we had just waited a little, and used words that were gentle and kind rather than harsh or vindictive. We need to learn to give one another some leeway, and be kind and gentle in our relationships.

 

And in case you're having problems with your boss at work look at this verse: "If your boss is angry with you, don't quit. A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes."[14]

 

What this verse is saying is, if you mess up at work, just admit it. Don't blame it on somebody else. Don't get defensive and answer back. Just be quiet. Get on with your job and do it well. Do it for the glory of God, because you're much more likely to find mercy if you're humble about it than if you're irritated about it. Love isn't rude, it's not demanding, and it's not judgmental.

 

There is a fourth aspect of love, and this has to do with dealing with 'Destructive people.' This is the hardest one of all. How do you love people who are intentionally out to hurt you; who are mean and hateful, and manipulative? When people hurt us we have two natural tendencies: the first is to remember it, and the second is to retaliate.

 

First, we remember it. We stockpile it in our mind. We put it back in the database and say, "I'm not going to forget that one. I'm never letting them off the hook. I'm going to watch them from now on." We remember it by rehearsing it over and over and over.

 

The second thing we do is we retaliate. We want to get even. But that's not what the Bible says. Love tackles it differently. The Bible says: "Love keeps no record of wrongs."

 

So what does that mean? How do I respond to the people who have hurt me in my life? How do I handle all of the wounds, the pains, the hurts that I've stockpiled back there in my memory? Here's what you do. You

 

4. Don't repeat it, delete it! Remove it from the memory bank. Let it go. Forgive it and get on with your life. Typically when we get hurt we do repeat it, and we do that in three ways.

 

We repeat it in our minds by going over it again and again. The problem with rehearsing it in our minds is that it makes us resentful, and resentment never helps you, it only hurts you, and will eventually destroy you. When you hold on to a grudge or a hurt and become bitter, you are not hurting the person from your past. What you are doing is allowing them to continue to hurt you in the present. That's silly. Resentment only perpetuates the pain. It never heals. It never solves anything. Your past is past. It's over. It can't hurt you unless you choose to let it, and the way you allow it to hurt you is by repeating it over and over in your mind.

 

The second way we repeat it is relationally. We use it as wedges, as weapons. You did this, but you did that. Remember when you did that? But you did this! You pile it all back up again.

 

The third way we repeat it is when we talk about it to other people. That's called gossip. We don't talk to God. We don't talk to the person. We talk to everybody else about the pain and try to win people to our side.

 

All three of those are destructive, damaging, and self-defeating. You're only hurting yourself by repeating it in your mind, by repeating it relationally and by repeating it to other people. 'Don't repeat it. Delete it!' "Love keeps no record of wrongs."

 

Let me show you three verses about these three things.

 

First, in Leviticus it says: "Do not bear a grudge against others. But settle your differences with them so you will not commit a sin because of them."[15]

 

Psychology studies have shown conclusively that whatever you rehearse you begin to resemble. Whatever you think about most that's what you move toward. If all you think about is how much you've been hurt in the past, you're stuck in the past. But if you focus on the future and on God's promises, you can begin to move forward. But if you focus on your pain, you're moving toward your pain. Whatever you rehearse you will eventually begin to resemble. People who say, "I will never be like my father!" "I will never be like my mother!" Guess what? The very fact that you're focused on it means that's what you're moving toward. You're only hurting yourself by repeating it over and over in your mind.

 

The second thing is you don't want to repeat it over and over in arguments. Proverbs says: "Love forgets mistakes. [You don't keep bringing them back as ammunition.] Nagging about them parts the best of friends."[16] It also parts marriages. Nagging doesn't work.

 

One man said, "Whenever I get into an argument with my wife she gets historical. She tells me everything I've ever done wrong."

 

We may laugh at that but the truth is, it destroys a lot of marriages. Bringing up the past is not the way to better your marriage, because "Love keeps no record of wrongs."

 

It may be for some of you that your spouse has hurt you in a major way - been unfaithful, disloyal, and done something that really hurt you. But they came back and said, "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" And they've stayed with you and stuck with you, and you've said, "I forgive you, but I'm not ever forgetting it." In the back of your mind you keep repeating it and no matter what good they do, it's never enough. You have become unpleasable.

 

If that is your situation, can I say this tactfully but truthfully? You're killing your marriage. It's not the big sin that's killing the marriage. It's the fact that you won't let it go. As a result you have become unpleasable. The same is true of a friendship.

 

There's a third way we repeat it. "Gossip is spread by wicked people; they stir up trouble and they break up friendships."[17]

This verse is saying that if I gossip I am wicked, and if you gossip you are wicked? The Bible makes it very clear that God hates gossip? He hates it as much as he hates pride, because that's what gossip is. It is unadulterated ego. The only reason people gossip is to make themselves feel superior to someone else. "Love keeps no record of wrongs." You don't repeat it. You delete it.

 

Unloving people love to gossip. One of the greatest tests of your love is how much you talk about other people behind their backs.

 

When you've been hurt, don't talk to other people about it, which is what we typically do. We talk to everybody except the person who hurt us. Don't talk to other people. Talk to God and then you talk to that person.

 

The Bible says: "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop, leave it, let it go, in order that your Father who is in heaven may also forgive you your own failings and shortcomings and let them drop."[18] The Amplified Bible put it very well.

 

Somebody says, "It's been too long. I've carried this hurt for years and years and years. Maybe even decades. It's just too late." You're wrong!

 

God can bring good out of bad? Absolutely! God can bring healing to the hurts you've experienced when someone has been unfaithful? But you must do your part. You must accept Christ's love and forgiveness for yourself so you will have the power to offer forgiveness to others.

 

Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is letting it go. Just hoping things will get better doesn't work, and trying to control it yourself by will power doesn't work. What works is turning it all over to Jesus and following the steps he has laid out in his word.

 

Proverbs says this: "Hate stirs up trouble, [if you want to keep trouble in your life, just keep hate in your life] but love forgives all offenses."[19] Which of "all" the offenses in your life are you still holding on to?

 

How does God expect me to love the destructive people who've hurt me, whether it be a teacher, an uncle, maybe even your parents?

 

He doesn't expect you to ignore it, or pretend it doesn't exist. He's not asking you to gloss over it or deny it or repress it, or fake it, or make excuses for the people who've hurt you in your life. No. In fact God doesn't want you to fake it. He wants you to face it, because you can't forgive until you do.

 

Whether you realize it or not, how you relate to your parents affects every other single relationship in your life. We often carry a lot of emotional baggage into our friendships, into our marriages and things like that, that affects every other relationship including our relationship to God.

 

 

The truth is some of you were hurt; and if you're going to become the loving woman, the loving man that God wants you to be, that you want to be, you're going to have to deal with these past issues now. This is why we're doing 40 Days of Love. If you're still angry at a parent, or for that matter anybody, you're still allowing them to control you. Don't allow that any more. You've got to deal with the anger. You've got to face it before you can forgive it.

 

Proverbs 19 says this: "When someone wrongs you, it is a great virtue to ignore it."[20] Let it go. But you can't ignore it until first you face it and forgive it. Then you can ignore it, and you let it go. Love lets it go.

 

Baptism is a symbol of letting go. It's saying, "I'm letting go of all my old ways, all my old hurts, all my old pains, all my old sins. I'm accepting the forgiveness of God and I'm offering it to other people. I'm making a fresh start." Maybe you need to be baptized as a symbolic way of saying, "I am letting go of my own guilt to God, receiving his forgiveness. And I'm letting go of all the people who've hurt me so I can get on with my life."

 

Job 18 says: "You are only hurting yourself with your anger."[21] 1 Corinthians 13:5 is our memory verse for this week: "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs."

 

As we close, think of the people who've hurt you in your life, and make the decision today to let it go. Love forgives. Because they deserve it? No. You don't deserve being forgiven either by God. But because it's the right thing to do and it's the only way to be free.