"LOVE IS NOT EASILY ANGERED"[1]

40 Days of Love - Part 5

6 September 2009

Readings: Matthew 12:33-37; Ephesians 4:20-32 TNIV

 

Welcome to the Part 5 of "40 Days of Love!" The thought we are focusing on this week is found in verse 5 of 1 Corinthians 13 where the Bible says, "Love is not easily angered."[2]

 

A tremendous amount of energy is released whenever we get angry, and it needs to be harnessed and channeled in constructive ways, otherwise it can wreck havoc to our relationships.

 

Psychiatrists have called the present time 'The Age of Rage.' People 'fly off the handle' very quickly. Because of that many people think that anger is a sin, which is not necessarily so. Anger in itself is not sinful. There are times in your life when you should get angry. In some situations anger it is the most appropriate response. Anger is an emotion given to you by God. The Bible tells us that God gets angry; and there are times when you should get angry, too. Sometimes anger is an evidence of love. If somebody hurt a member of your family, you would get angry. If you didn't, it would mean you did not care. The opposite of love is not anger. It is apathy. Not caring. It is natural for human beings to get angry.

 

The problem, however, is not anger. It is whether you have been taught or have learned to manage it and express it appropriately. Controlled anger is a good thing. It produces good marriages, good leadership, good churches, good work places. The key is, knowing how to put anger in its proper place. This where the Bible can help us, because it is very clear about what's appropriate and what's inappropriate.

 

Typically there are two extremes when people get angry; either you clam up, or you blow up. Some people keep it all inside, and others let it all out. What tends to happen is that you marry a person who expresses their anger in the opposite way to you. Maybe it's God's sense of humour that he puts opposites together, and he takes delight in watching how you make out.

 

Let me give you some facts that have come through from studies on anger.

 

1. The average woman loses her temper three times a week while the average man loses his temper about six times a week, twice as often.
2. Women for the most part get angry at people, while men get angry at things; for example when machinery breaks down.
3. Single adults express anger twice as often as married adults.
4. Men are far more physical in their anger than women.
5. You are more likely to express anger at home than anywhere else. Interesting?

 

Successful marriages are not marriages where anger or conflict does not exist, but where they've learned to manage it. When anger is managed well, it produces great marriages, great friendships, great businesses and great leaders.

 

So this morning we are going to look at what God has to say about taming your temper. The Bible has much to say about this, particularly in the book of Proverbs. God gives us very specific principles in the proper use of anger. Learning how to manage your anger is an important aspect of love, because "Love is not easily angered."

How do I tame my temper? If you do not usually take notes, I am sure you will find it helpful this morning because you may not have been taught this anywhere else. Your children need to learn this. If you're an employer, you need to teach it at work. If you are a teacher, you can teach it in your classrooms, because we need to lower the anger level in our society. How do you do it? Six things: The first thing God says to do if you want to tame your temper is you must

 

1. Resolve to manage it. What is meant by that is you stop saying, "I can't control it!" and start realizing that you can. You stop making excuses for your anger and realize that anger is a choice, just like love. When you get angry you choose to get angry. Nobody forces you to get angry. Nobody can make you mad. People say "You make me so mad!" Nobody makes you mad without your permission. You either choose to get angry, or you refuse to get angry. Anger is a choice. You have far more control over your anger than you want to admit. Let me give you an example.

 

You are having an argument with someone in your family, your voices are raised and you're getting excited and upset, and all of a sudden the phone rings and you go... "Hello? Oh, yes! It's for you honey!"

 

What happened? You made a choice. You can change when you want to change; and in that instance you didn't want to be embarrassed and so you changed the tone of your voice in a second. That's how long it takes. It just is not true to say you cannot control it. Anger is highly controllable because it is a choice. You resolve to manage it.

 

The Bible says this: "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."[3] Circle "keeps." Keeps means it's a choice. When I get angry I'm choosing to get angry and I'm not blaming anybody else.

 

When it says, "resolve to manage your anger," resolve means you make a choice in advance. The time to decide to manage your anger is not when your blood pressure is rising, your adrenaline is shooting into your system, your nerves are on full alert, your muscles tense and you can feel the flush in your face. No. You've already lost the battle at that point.

 

You resolve to manage it in advance. Before I go into this meeting, or open the door to home you decide, "Today, I'm just not going to get angry. I'm not going to let it get to me." You manage it by first resolving - that means deciding in advance - that you are going to make the choice to work on it before it happens, not in the heat of the moment. You realize that anger is a choice, and you choose not to let anything really upset you. How do you do this?

 

2. Remember the cost. There's always a price tag to anger and when you remember the cost of uncontrolled anger you will be more motivated to manage it. The Bible is very, very specific. There are dozens of verses on the high cost of losing your temper.

 

For example in Proverbs 29: "A hot tempered man... gets into all kinds of trouble."[4] We have all witnessed this at some time or other. On these next three verses let's take a survey and see if any of you agree with what they are saying.

 

How many of you would agree from your own life experience that, "Hot tempers cause arguments."[5] You have seen that.

How about this one? "...anger causes mistakes."[6] Would you agree with that?

 

How about this one? "People with hot tempers do foolish things."[7] Have you found that when you get angry you do things that you would never normally do - silly, stupid, embarrassing things?

 

Proverbs 11:29 says: "The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left."[8] Write this down: "I always lose when I lose my temper!" You lose your reputation. You can lose the respect of others. You can lose your job. You can lose a sale. You can lose the love of your family. You could lose your health. When I swallow my anger my stomach keeps score. Your body was not designed to carry rage around inside you, and when you do that, you get sick. There are many people who would not be in hospital if they weren't carrying guilt, resentment, or anger inside them. It's what eats you, not what you eat, that makes you sick. You can have a perfect diet and eat all the right foods and still be sick because it's what's eating you that's making you sick.

 

So we need to remember the cost whenever we're tempted to lose our temper. You can use anger to get people to do something because it works... in the short term. But in the long term there are always three price tags for anger. When people get angry at you, you have three responses:

 

First, you get angry back.

 

Second, if they keep getting angry at you, you soon become apathetic because whatever you do does not make any difference. That's the way a lot of children feel, particularly teenagers, about their parents. "I can't please them, they're always angry." So they become apathetic.

 

And if they continue to be angry, to protect yourself there comes alienation. Nothing destroys relationships faster than anger.

 

If you are angry, you will get the short-term obedience, but in the long term you destroy the relationship, whether it be with your child or anybody else. You have to resolve to manage it, and then you have to remember the cost, that it creates more anger, and leads to apathy and alienation.

 

Here's the third thing the Bible says...

 

3. Reflect before reacting. In other words think before you speak. Anger control is largely a matter of mouth control. If you can watch your words then you can control your anger. When something irritates or riles you, the Bible says first, resolve to manage it; secondly, remember the cost of losing your temper; and thirdly, reflect before reacting. In other words don't respond impulsively. Give yourself some space before you respond. Proverbs 29:11 says: "A stupid man gives free reign to his anger; a wise man waits and lets it grow cool."[9] Circle "waits." One of the greatest tools for anger management is delay. Just wait a minute. Don't write that email instantly when you read one that's upset you. Don't respond straightaway when somebody says something mean-spirited to you. Wait.

It was Thomas Jefferson, one of the early Presidents of the United States, who invented the idea: "When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred." There's wisdom in that. Delay is a good factor. Notice this verse says: "...a wise man waits and lets it grow cool." This is the biblical basis for the term, 'Chill out! Cool it!' God says when you start to get angry, wait! Give yourself time to think and reflect. The longer you hold your temper the easier it is to control it.

 

Delay is a great remedy to anger. Not delaying for a week or a month or a year. No. The Bible clearly counsels us not to let the sun go down on our anger.[10] In other words don't carry anger from today over till tomorrow, because if you hold on to anger for more than twenty-four hours, it quickly turns to resentment, and resentment is always wrong. Anger is not always wrong, but bitterness and resentment are always wrong. What this verse in Proverbs means is you take time out. Take a brief walk and allow the physiological symptoms of increased heart rate and adrenaline rush to subside a little. Then when you're calmer you come back and talk.

 

What do you do during the delay, while you are reflecting before reacting?

 

You try to understand your anger. You ask, "What is it that is irritating me? What is making me feel this way?" The Bible says this: "A man's wisdom gives him patience."[11] You analyse it. This is so important. The more you understand yourself, and why you're upset, the more understanding you're going to be of yourself and of others. "A man's wisdom gives him patience."

 

So there are three questions you need to ask when you're reflecting before reacting: Why? What? and How?

 

a) Why am I angry? That's a good question. You need to stop and ask yourself, what is making me so upset right now? The problem is not your anger. Anger is a symptom, the warning light. You need to look at what is making you angry. Why am I angry?

 

b) What do I really want out of this argument? What is it that I'm not getting here? What is the need that's unfulfilled in my life? What do I really want?

 

c) How can I get what I want from what's irritating me right now? Losing your cool and going into a rage is rarely the best way to get what you want.

 

While you're reflecting before reacting, you can figure out what is causing your anger. Every time you get angry there are three root causes. Hurt, frustration, fear.

 

(i) The first thing that causes you to get angry is hurt.

 

When you get physically or emotionally hurt, when you get wounded, the natural human response is to get angry. If I'm hammering a nail into some wood and I hit my thumb with the hammer my natural reaction is not grieving over my thumb. My natural reaction is anger, either anger at myself for doing such a silly thing, or instead of accepting responsibility for my own foolishness I blame the hammer and throw it away; like some people who blame their golf clubs and throw them up in the air like it was the golf club's fault. But when you get hurt, whether it be emotionally or physically, you instinctively get angry. You need to understand that.

 

(ii) The second thing that causes you to get angry is frustration.

 

Frustration is when you're trying to reach a goal, to get something done, and you get irritated because you're forced to wait, like when you are caught in a traffic jam and you are going to be late for an appointment. Or maybe you're trying to make something happen and nothing is working. Frustration is caused when you feel out of control. Whenever you feel that way you tend to get angry. The more out of control you feel the angrier you're going to be. High control people get angry very easily. If you're a low control person you probably don't get upset that much. But the greater your need to be in control, the more you need to realize that the things that matter most in your life are out of your control. You didn't choose where you were born, who your parents were, what your natural giftedness was, and where you're going to die. A lot of things that make you you, you have no control over. When you feel out of control then you start feeling frustrated.

 

Every parent has known the feeling with his or her first baby and you can't get it to stop crying! You feel helpless and hopeless. What starts to well up in you? Anger. Why won't this baby be quiet! Then you start feeling guilty about your anger toward the baby. It is not the baby's fault. It is just doing what babies do.

 

Or it's trying to get kids to obey and they refuse. Hurt and frustration.

 

(iii) The third cause of anger is fear.

 

Fear is whenever you feel threatened. Whenever you feel trapped. Whenever you feel afraid. Anger and insecurity always go together. The more insecure you are in life the more prone to anger you're going to be in life. When you base your feelings about yourself on what other people think about you, you're going to get angry all the time. When they don't meet your needs or when they say things that are unkind or they don't respond the way you expect them to respond or you don't feel appreciated you're going to get angry. Why? Because you're looking to other people to meet needs in your life only God can meet.

 

Every time you look to somebody in your life to meet a need that only God can meet you are setting yourself up for anger. Nobody can play God in your life. Nobody can meet all your needs because we're all imperfect. When you look to somebody to meet all your needs you're going to be disappointed and you're going to be angry.

 

That's the way children feel. If they can't get your approval, they'll get your attention one way or other. It's a sense of insecurity. When you get angry, it's hurt, frustration or insecurity.

 

This is very important, because when somebody gets angry at you, try to look beyond the anger and see which of these things are they feeling? If somebody gets angry at you your natural response is to get angry back or become defensive. We're not very sympathetic with anger. But if somebody comes and says, "What you said hurt me," hurt is a whole lot easier to deal with than anger. We're much more sympathetic to hurt.

 

 

If somebody says, "I was frustrated by this," or "This made me feel insecure" that's a whole lot better than just having them be angry and you can't figure out why. You need to listen to what's behind the anger. And that only happens if you reflect before reacting. Why am I angry? What do I really want? How can I get it? Is it frustration? Is it hurt? Is it fear?

 

Then here's what you pray. "Lord, help me control my tongue; help me to be careful about what I say."[12] Some of these verses are so good you need to write them on little cards and memorize them.

 

By the way, the major cause of people reacting before reflecting is alcohol. It removes inhibitions and people cannot think straight. The Bible says: "Drinking too much makes you loud and foolish. It's stupid to get drunk."[13] The Bible does not condemn drinking alcohol, but it does condemn drunkenness. People do things that they would never normally do and it prevents them from reflecting before reacting. Fourthly,

 

4. Release my anger appropriately.

 

There is a right way, an appropriate way, a helpful and non-sinful way to express anger; and likewise there is a wrong way, an inappropriate, harmful and sinful way to express anger. You can be angry and not sin. If anger was a sin then God's a sinner because God gets angry. You only need to look at Jesus to see the things that make God angry. God gets angry when he sees injustice, when he sees the poor marginalized, when he sees those who claim to be his children acting legalistically and judgmentally without care and compassion for people in need. God gets angry when he sees hypocrisy, when he sees people abusing their authority, taking advantage of the weak and vulnerable, or causing them to stumble. And these things ought to make you angry, too. Anger is not a sin.

 

But I must release my anger appropriately. Ephesians says, "If you become angry, don't let your anger lead you into sin."[14] In other words there are ways you can get angry and still not sin. There are other ways that are definitely wrong. It's all in how you release it. Most people express their anger in unhelpful ways that actually lead them further away from their goal rather than closer to it.

 

There is a myth that says that you have this bucket filled with anger inside of you and that it's good for you to express your anger, to let it all out, otherwise you're just bottling it up inside. There's only one problem with that. It doesn't work. You don't just have a bucket of anger in your heart. You have a factory. It can produce plenty more from where it comes from. Research has shown that aggression only produces more aggression. Flying off the handle makes you more likely to do it another time. Not less likely - more likely. It can become a habit, a pattern of behaviour that is difficult to break. Getting anger off your chest doesn't reduce it. It stirs up more. So that one doesn't work.

 

The Bible says in Proverbs 15: "A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up."[15] Have you noticed that if you talk loud the person next to you talks loud back. The louder you get the louder they get. It escalates. So if you want to de-escalate anger in your relationship, in your marriage, friendship or whatever, you talk low and slow. Not loud and fast. Low and slow. "A gentle answer" turns away wrath. It "quiets anger."

Whose anger does it quiet? First, it quiets your own. When you talk loud it makes you angrier. When you talk low and slow it makes you calmer before it even starts working on them.

 

What is the best way to deal with anger? There are three ways that don't work, then God's way that does.

 

First, you don't suppress it. That means storing it up inside. When you do that it's like taking a coke bottle and shaking it up. It's eventually going to explode, and it's going to come out sideways, sometimes in a relationship that's not even related to the person you're angry at. Suppressing it doesn't work. If you swallow your anger and don't talk it out, it's going to come out in your body - in your neck, your stomach, your back, your head. So you don't suppress it. That's storing it up inside.

 

The second thing you don't do is to repress your anger. This means denying it. It means saying, "I'm not angry!" Repression means pretending that you're not irritated, that you're not mad at your husband or your wife or your mom or your dad or your brother or sister or the person who took advantage of you. Repressing it means pretending that it didn't happen. Denial. That doesn't work either.

 

There is a word for repressed anger. It's depression. The number one cause of depression is repressed anger. When you push anger down in you it causes you to get depressed. It's not the only cause of depression but it's the number one cause. Depression is often frozen rage. It's swallowing your anger, and if you won't talk about it and admit that you are angry, it will come out in some physical or psychological way. We're not made to store up anger inside. You don't suppress it, and you don't repress it.

 

The third thing you don't do is you don't express it. When you express your anger in inappropriate ways it damages the relationship.

 

We all have our favorite ways of doing this and they're all inappropriate. It can be expressed in sarcastic, cutting remarks.

 

If you are not so good with words your way maybe manipulation. You figure out a way to manipulate and hurt the person who hurt you behind the scenes and you've got a war plan that would make General Schwarzkopf proud. A lot of TV movies are built on that one; figuring out a way to get even, manipulating. That's no better than sarcasm.

 

Others of you are like a volcano. You just blow up and hot lava pours out burning everything in its path.

 

Or maybe you sulk, and everybody has to walk on eggshells, because if you don't get your way life is going to be miserable for everyone

 

Some people when they get angry they express it in crazy behavior, like having an affair is your wife or husband had one; or taking drugs, getting drunk. It just doesn't work. None of those ways are appropriate.

 

You don't suppress it, you don't repress it, you don't express it, what do you do?

 

God says the way to deal with your anger is to confess it. You admit it first to yourself: "I'm angry." And you admit it to God: "God, I'm mad!" You talk to God about it. You confess not just the anger, but the cause: "I'm hurt! I'm frustrated! I'm scared! I feel insecure! I feel out of control." You admit the cause behind the anger. You confess it. That's how you deal effectively with anger.

 

This next step, is the key to permanent, long term change. These others have dealt with the moment. But if you're serious about saying, "I don't want to be an angry person, I don't want to clam up or blow up. I want to learn the proper ways." Then...

 

5. Re-pattern your mind. The Bible has a lot to say about this. You change your thinking patterns. The way you express your anger, you didn't learn overnight. Your pattern of behavior is learned. Somebody modeled it for you. You didn't automatically choose it.

 

The good news is you can unlearn it. You don't have to stay that way. You can learn new patterns, new habits. You don't have to keep perpetuating what your parents and their parents and the parents before did over three or four generations. This is important because every time you get angry in an inappropriate way, you are modeling it for your children. You are teaching them how to do it the wrong way, and they will teach their children how to do it the wrong way. Somebody has to break the chain, and it is done by re-patterning your mind. The good news, is it can be unlearned.

 

The Bible says: "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world." What's the behavior of this world? It is to suppress, repress, and express anger, one of those three. This, by the way, is why violence in the media is bad. What it teaches is, if you have a problem, use a gun! Drop a bomb. Blow them away.

 

Television and movies are filled with violent responses from people who are frustrated, feel out of control or hurt. Children learn from the models they observe. You don't want to teach your children wrong ways to be angry.

 

It says in Romans, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way that you think." [16] Circle "changing the way you think." This is the key to learning a new way to handle anger. Change the way you think.

 

When you act in angry ways it's because you feel angry. When you feel angry it's because you're choosing to think angry thoughts. The way I think affects the way that I feel. Every time I feel something it's because I'm thinking something. Every emotion you feel has a thought behind it. When you think this, then you're going to feel this. If I feel depressed it's because I'm thinking depressed thoughts. The way I think determines the way I feel and the way I feel determines the way I act. So if I want to change the way I act, let's say I have a tendency to be abusive, to fly off the handle, to show physical violence, you don't focus on the behavior. You don't even go back to the way you feel. You start by changing what you think. If you change that thought, that mental process, it's going to change your feeling and it's going to change your behavior. The Bible says "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

 

That's what God does. He's the one who can change those thought patterns in your mind. To break the habit of anger you have to recondition your thinking, your mind.

 

Part of that reconditioning process means getting away as much as possible from things that make you angry. The next verse: "Keep away from angry, short tempered people, or you will learn to be like them..."[17] Anger is contagious. It says keep away from such people.

 

If you have a friend who has a problem with anger, for your own good and for their own good it is better to break off the friendship now. The Bible says don't associate with people who have an angry temperament. You may think you can change them, but that is not true. It is useless to try. You cannot even change your children. You can only change youself. You can't change other people. Only until the fear of change is exceeded by the pain will people change. When the pain gets worse than the fear of change, then they'll change. The Bible says anger is contagious. So as much as you can you get away from it.

 

That doesn't mean you don't love the person, or that you won't get back together at some point. But you need to use the leverage you have now and say, no to the relationship, whatever it is.

 

In New Zealand one woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner every four weeks because they didn't know how to control their anger. About ten children are killed every year in New Zealand by a member of members of their own family because they didn't know how to control their anger. The Bible says this: "If you exploit or abuse your family, you will end up with a fistful of air..."[18]

 

It also says: "You husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly."[19]

 

You say, "I didn't learn good patterns of anger management growing up. How do I do it?"

 

6. Rely on God's help. There is no quick fix. Not a pill, or a seminar, or a conference, although those can all be helpful. The real secret is God's power changing you on the inside. Romans 15 says: "Patience and encouragement come from God. I pray God will help you to agree with each other. [In other words so you're not fighting all the time, agree with each other...] the way Christ Jesus wants."[20]

 

Your relationship and closeness to Jesus Christ will determine the amount of patience you have in your life. If you are close to him, you're going to have a lot of patience in your life. If you're half-hearted in your relationship to Christ, you're going to be sometimes patient and sometimes not. If you're on the fringe in your relationship to Christ, you're going to have problems with anger and with being patient all your life because you don't have his love. This is not superficial love. It's supernatural love.

 

Whatever is inside of you is going to come out when you're squeezed. If you are filled with anger on the inside, things you haven't dealt with like we talked about the last couple weeks, almost anything can make you angry. On the other hand, if you're filled with God's love almost nothing can make you lose your temper.

How does God manage my anger? The Bible says: "The fruit of the Spirit is... patience."[21] In other words when God's Spirit is in me, he fills me with love and joy and peace and patience.

 

How does God help you if you have a bad habit of anger? He goes straight to the heart of the problem because the heart of the problem is a problem in the heart. That is where it starts. It doesn't start in your behavior, or in your background. It doesn't start with your attitudes and your feelings and emotions. It starts in the heart.

 

The Bible says this, "Whatever is in your heart determines what you will say."[22] The problem is not my tongue. Your mouth betrays what's in your heart. If it wasn't in your heart it wouldn't be coming out of your mouth. A harsh, cutting tongue reveals an angry heart. A negative tongue reveals a fearful heart. A boasting tongue reveals an insecure heart. If someone is always judging people, you know they have a guilty heart. Someone who is always nagging and being critical has a bitter heart. If someone uses foul, obscene language, you know they have an impure heart.

 

On the other hand, if you find someone who's always encouraging, they have a happy heart. If they're always speaking in a gentle way you know they've got a loving heart. If they're always being loving and controlled in their words you know they have a peaceful heart. You know what's inside by what comes out of people's mouths.

 

If this is your problem, what you need is a heart transplant, a new heart. Is such a thing possible? Can I be changed on the inside? Yes, you can! Listen to what God says: "I will give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed."[23]

 

Jesus can replace a hurting heart and all that pain with a sense of his love. Maybe you have been beaten and abused and rejected and unloved. God says, I care about your pain. It matters to me. I will help you in the healing. Maybe you have a frustrated heart. God can fill it with his peace. He can fill an insecure heart with his confidence. The good news of the Gospel is that God can make you a brand new person inside. He can change what you cannot change. Nothing is too hard for him.