"THE SECRETS OF LASTING LOVE"[1]

40 Days of Love - Part 6

13 September 2009

Readings: John 15:9-17; Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-16 TNIV

 

Whenever you're going through massive change there is one thing you can always count on that never changes. It is the unchanging love of God. It is constant. It is steadfast. It is unwavering. It is enduring. The Bible says this: "I will show you my love forever,' so says the Lord who saves you."[2] In other words it's eternal. God's love does not change.

 

The foundation for a stable life, no matter what you go through, is the unchanging love of God. A lot of things will change in my life, particularly after the end of this year, but one thing I know that will never change is God's love.

 

The challenge is that God commands you to give that same kind of unchanging love to others. Jesus said, "I command you to love each other in the same way that I love you."[3] That means constant, steadfast, unwavering, enduring love.

 

How do you do that? Euripides once said, "It's not real love unless it's eternal." Is it possible to have a love that lasts an entire life?

 

According to Statistics NZ about one third of New Zealanders who married in 1983 had divorced before their silver wedding anniversary, that is before 25 years. The median age at divorce in 2008 was 44.5 years for men and 41.9 years for women. Out of interest, last year being a leap year, made the 29 February the most popular leap Friday on record with two hundred and thirty marriages celebrated compared with an average of one hundred and thirty that fell on other leap Fridays. In comparison the divorce rate in America is now forty-one percent of all first marriages, sixty percent for second time marriages, and seventy-three percent for third marriages. The odds of lasting love get less likely with each marriage.

 

How can you have a love that lasts a lifetime, loving other people in the same way that God loves you - consistently, unconditionally, eternally?

 

I understand it was Mark Twain who said, "You don't really understand perfect love until you've been married at least a quarter of a century." I think there's some wisdom in that. Love at first sight is great, but better by far is when people have lived with each other for sixty plus years and still love each other.

 

That's what we're going to look at this weekend. Out of interest, would you please stand if you have been married, or if your spouse is no longer living, you were married at least twenty-five years. Congratulations! Stay standing if you have been or were married forty years or longer? You are the ones who should be teaching this message today. Stay standing if you have been married fifty years or longer? Isn't that great!

 

I am sure that if you were to ask these people who have been married fifty years or longer to share the testimonies of their marriage, they would tell you that it has not always been easy. If you are going to build a love that lasts a lifetime every relationship, whether it's a friendship or a marriage, has to figure out how to overcome what can be called the 'Deadly D's' - Difficulties, Disagreements, Differences, Discord, Disappointment, Defeat, Dead-ends, Depression, Delay, Doubt, Distance, Divorce, Debt, Demands, Death. They are not easy things to overcome.

 

Today we're going to look at the things you must never do if you're going to build a love that lasts a lifetime.

 

We're in 1 Corinthians 13, the passage we have focused on during 40 Days of Love. It says this in verse 7: "Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, never gives up."[4] These are the habits of a lifetime of loving.

 

If you're going to learn to love other people the way that God loves you, if you're going to learn how to have a lasting love that makes it all the way through life, you have to develop the four habits that are talked about in this verse we just read.

 

The first thing that you have to learn is that

 

1. Lasting love extends grace. You are not going to have a loving relationship unless you have forgiveness, mercy, patience, acceptance, all qualities summed up in the word 'grace.' You have to let things pass. You have to put up with a lot. You have to extend grace.

 

The Bible says this: "Love never stops being patient." The Message paraphrase of that verse says, love "... puts up with anything." The New Century Translation says, love "... patiently accepts all things." And the New Jerusalem Bible says, love "...is always ready to make allowances." In other words, you have to allow for mistakes.

 

The word for "It's always patient" is a Greek word whose literal meaning is, "covered with a roof." You would not buy a house without a roof, would you? Of course not. You would have no protection from the winds and the rain. A roof covers and protects your home.

 

In the same way this kind, patient, gracious love covers and protects a relationship. It does not call people to account for every mistake they make. Relationships damage easily and so they need protection, a covering. Patience is the kind of love that extends grace.

 

Why is grace essential to relationships?

 

Because your friend or your spouse is a sinner, and you are the same. We are all imperfect. Two imperfect people will never create a perfect relationship. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage, or a perfect friendship; so there is no point trying to find one. It isn't going to happen.

 

The Bible says this in Romans: "There is no one who always does what is right, not even one."[5] None of us get it right a hundred percent of the time. The next verse says: "If we say we have no sin, we're only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth." In other words if you think the relational problems in your life are all the other person's fault, you're out of touch with reality. The truth is we all make mistakes. It takes two to disagree. It's never just one person's fault.

 

The Bible says we have to extend grace to each other, because forgiveness is a two way street. You don't want to burn the bridge that you need to walk over to come into God's presence, because Jesus said we cannot receive ourselves what we're unwilling to give to other people.

 

The Bible tells us that the way you build strong relationships is to treat other people the way God treats you. Romans 15:7 says: "Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you."[6] You accept them. That's extending grace.

 

As mentioned in earlier messages in this series, one of the ways you accept people is simply by listening to them. When you listen to people you're giving them the gift of your time. It is extending grace to listen. You can become judgmental of people when you do not really listen to what they are saying, when you do not take the time to find out where they are coming from. We have been given two ears and one mouth to remind us to listen twice as much as we talk.

 

Some humans are like bullfrogs. God created a muscle inside bullfrogs that stops it hearing the obnoxious noise it makes when it croaks. A lot of people are like that. They are not intentionally obnoxious. For example, they don't hear themselves saying when they get up in the morning, "I'm going to be a pain today, annoy people and tick everybody off." But that is what they are. That's why the rest of us have to show grace.

 

The Bible says: "Be humble and gentle with each other. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other's faults because of your love."[7] Circle "making allowances." It says if you're going to have a love that lasts, you've got to learn to make allowances for the mistakes and the faults in other people's lives. We all have times when we are not at our best, times when we are grumpy. For example, if you are a night person, those who know and love you will make allowances for you when you have to get up early.

 

Who do you need to show grace to this week? Who do you need to give a little space? That's the starting point. Show grace because love never stops being patient.

 

Here's the second key.

 

2. Lasting love doesn't just extend grace, it expresses faith. This is the kind of love you need if you want a marriage or a friendship that lasts a lifetime. Lasting love expresses faith. Faith and love are intertwined because love is built on trust. That's what love is. Love says, "I believe in you. I trust you. I have confidence in you."

 

Faith is not fearful and neither is love. It's not anxious. The Bible says that faith and love go together because love is built on trust.

 

When you trust somebody then you love them. You cannot love someone you don't trust. So if you're going to love somebody you have to not only extend them grace; you have to express faith. I believe in you. I trust you. I think you can do it, because the Bible says this, "Love never stops believing." The NIV translation says love "...always trusts." The New Living Translation says love "...never loses faith."

 

There are three kinds of people in the world.

 

There are the gullible people who believe anything. They trust anything you say. If you said to them, "Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary? I'm serious. It's not there." They would believe you. Gullible people will fall for anything.

 

Then there are the cynics who believe nothing. They are skeptical of everything. They are untrusting. They question everything. They are suspicious.

 

Then there are the healthy people, those who love. The Bible says: "Love always trusts, ...never stops believing, ...never loses faith." They give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

If I were to ask you, "Do you think it is wiser or more foolish to be a little bit more cynical or to be over trusting?" Which side would you lean towards?

 

The magazine, Psychology Today, reported on research into this in an article entitled "Trust and its Consequences." Dr. Julian Rotter of the University of Connecticut spent years studying the consequences of trust in human behavior, personality development and relationships. He developed a scale to determine the level of trust in a person's life. Then he compared how trusting a person related with ten different common behaviors for healthy living. Let me gives you a little True or False trust test.

 

Trusting persons tend to be more gullible.

Trusting people tend to have a lower IQ.

Trusting people live happier lives.

"Gullible" is not in the dictionary.

 

Number one and two are false. Number three is true. Studies have shown that trusting people are consistently less gullible - people don't pull the wool over their eyes - they have a higher IQ and they live much happier lives than cynical, questioning, suspicious people. The Bible says and studies have shown that you are better adjusted psychologically by learning to trust.

 

One of the key evidences of trust - and remember trust and love go together - is your willingness to give other people a second chance when they blow it. How quickly are you willing to do this?

 

Anybody who's a coach knows the quickest way to restore confidence after a fumble is give the child the ball again. Otherwise they start developing a phobia - "I'm going to drop it again! I'm going to miss it again!" The way you help a child get over a failure is put trust in them immediately and get them started again. Everybody drops the ball at some time.

 

God says if you want to build a lasting relationship, you're going to have to learn to trust. If you say, "I can't do that right now." Then, trust God. If you cannot trust your friend, your spouse, you need to trust God because God knows what he's doing. If you put your trust in God, he can do things that you can't do in another person's life. You trust God when you can't trust that person, because God knows what he's doing.

 

God can see beyond today. He knows the end as well as the beginning and everything in between. That is why we can trust him as he often works in advance preparing the way. I think back to last year when Kerryn-Ruth, Jane and I were with Judith at the time her father was taken to hospital and later died. We had made our plans months in advance, but God knew all along, and it was amazing that our visit coincided with that exact time.

Sometimes things do not happen the way you planned, but when you look back you can see that there was good reason. Often it was for your protection. When this happens it encourages you to trust God. He knows what he's doing and you don't. What you think is a problem is really God protecting you from something far worse.

 

The Bible says this in Isaiah 55. "I don't think the way you think and the way you work isn't the way I work. For as the sky soars high above the earth so the way I work surpasses the way you work and the way I think is beyond the way you think."[8] God says I know what I'm doing. Please trust me.

 

Love, whether you're loving God or somebody else, involves trust. The Bible says, "Love never stops believing."

 

On top of that, God specializes in miracles. He can transform anything. What relationship miracle do you need right now? Do you need one in your marriage relationship, or in a friendship, or in a relationship with a child? The way God goes about it is to start on you first. Look for the changes in you before you expect the changes in somebody else. The miracle is going to happen first in you.

 

To be trusted is the greatest gift you can give somebody. Trust is the gift of love. It is a gift you offered to Grace and I and the family when you called us to be part of the leadership team here at St David's in the Fields almost nineteen years ago. It has been a special time for us. It has not always been plain sailing, but many good things have happened and friendships made. As we look back Grace and I can see God's hand in the moves we have made, and how God has been faithful in taking care of the needs of the children wherever we have been.

 

When you say, "I trust you," to the important people in your life, you are showing love, because love always trusts. This is so important.

 

Who do you need to express trust in this week? Is it a child, a friend, or your spouse; some one to whom you need to say, "I know you can do it!" Believing in somebody is what real love is all about. Lasting love extends grace when we mess up and make mistakes. Lasting love expresses faith and says, "I trust you."

 

The Bible says this: "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."[9] Why? Because life is a school of learning how to trust and how to love. It extends grace, it expresses faith.

 

There's a third key in this verse.

 

3. Lasting love expects the best. It's forward looking. It's optimistic. It's not stuck in the past. It's not always looking backward. Lasting love is hopeful. It is positive. It is expecting the best. The Bible says this "Love never stops hoping."[10] The Living Bible translation says love "...always expects the best." Message paraphrase, love "...always looks for the best." It was Elizabeth Barrett Browning, the poet, who said, "Whoever loves believes in miracles." Love believes in the impossible.

 

Did you know that people tend to live up to your expectations of them? We tend to shape the people around us by what we expect of them, whether it be much or little. People tend to live up to the expectations of other people. You set your friends up by what you expect of them. You set your husband, or your wife, or your children up by what you expect of them and what you don't expect of them.

 

When Bruce Wilkinson, who wrote the book The Prayer of Jabez, was a new professor at a Multomah University in Portland, Oregon, he remembered the first time he met with the faculty. They were gathered in the faculty lounge and were passing out all the class assignments for the year. Somebody looked at the classes that Bruce had been given and said, "Bruce, you're lucky! You've been given two of the Section A classes." He said, "What's that?" To which came the reply, "Section A are the brightest students in the university. They're the advance placement. Every year we figure out who are the kids who have the best test scores coming out of school and we put them into Section A classes. They're a joy to teach. They're smart, they're bright, they're funny, they're engaged, they want to learn. You're going to love having those classes and you're lucky being a new professor getting Section A in your first year.

 

Bruce said throughout the entire year it was true. He absolutely loved teaching those kids. They were so much more fun than the other classes. They were smarter. They were brighter. They asked better questions. They were more intelligent, and a joy to teach.

 

He said at the end of the year, we were gathered in the faculty lounge again waiting for graduation to happen. He made the comment to his department supervisor, "Man, I sure hope I get the Section A classes again next year!" The supervisor looked and said, "Bruce, there is no section A." "Oh, yes there is. One of the professors told me." "No, Bruce, we canceled that program six years ago."

 

Bruce didn't believe him. He went back and got out his grade books and sure enough those two classes got more A's than the others. The others had B's and C's. But those two classes had A's. Then he did the ultimate test of a professor. He weighed the term papers. He held them in both hands. The stack of the A section were far better. They wrote longer, they wrote more, they put more into it than the others.

 

He said, "I had set them up with my expectations. I expected them to be better and they were."

 

Who are you setting up? You can set people up with your nagging, when you say, "You always do this." When you say that, all you're doing is guaranteeing the perpetuation of the past. You're labeling, you're setting them up for failure. You need to remove from your vocabulary words like, "You always do this!" Don't tell it like it is. Tell it like it could be. That's love. Love always expects the best. Love does not nag. Love says, "I see what you could become. I believe in you. I expect the best."

 

Who are you programming with your expectations? You don't change bad people into good people by telling them they're bad. Whatever you want the people in your life to become, treat them the way you want them to be, not the way they are.

 

If you men want your wife to treat you like a king, then treat her like a queen. Emphasize the positive. Tell it like it can be. Start expecting the best from them.

 

We can see it in the way Jesus treated people. When Andrew brought his brother, Peter, to Jesus, Jesus said to him, "You will be called Cephas" (or Peter, which means a rock). Peter had a long way to go before he became the leader Jesus knew he could be. Jesus expected the best from Peter, and even when Peter failed, Jesus continued to believe in him.

 

Who in your life have you not been expecting the best from? Love expects the best, never stops hoping. Love extends grace. It expresses faith. It expects the best.

 

4. Lasting love endures the worst. Lasting love is persistent. It is determined. It is diligent. It is resolute. The Bible says this: "Love never gives up."[11] It is almost stubborn in its insistence that it will not give up on the relationship.

 

The NLT puts it like this: love "...endures through every circumstance." The NIV: love "...always perseveres." The Message translation: love "...never looks back but keeps going to the end."

 

One of the great secrets of a lasting love, a love that lasts a lifetime, is simply this: Stay put. Don't give up. Hang on. Don't let go. Refuse to give in. Maybe God brought some of you here today just to hear that.

 

When God wants to make a mushroom, he takes six hours. When God wants to make an oak tree, he takes sixty years. Do you want your life to be a mushroom or an oak tree? There are things you will learn hanging on that you will never learn any other way. The purpose of marriage is not just to make you happy but to make you holy and teach you how to grow up, and be less thoughtful of yourself and more thoughtful of others. Great people are just ordinary people with an extraordinary amount of determination. They just don't know how to quit.

 

The Bible says lasting love never gives up. If you are having problems with a relationship right now, whether it is with a friend or a child or your spouse, don't give up on it. As you determine to work through the issues, maybe get outside help if that is necessary, you will grow in the process. Growing up, rather than giving up, is the right way of love.

 

Maybe the problem in your relationship comes down to this: you want your way, while your friend or your spouse wants theirs. In friendships and in marriages you have to stop saying, I, me, and my, and start saying we and ours. You must be willing to change for the benefit of somebody else. Most relationship problems come down to pride, ego and selfishness. I want what I want, you want what you want, and neither of us is willing to change. It comes down to that.

 

If your relationship is really bad, then seek help. You might say, "I can't afford counseling." How much is your happiness worth? Take out a loan! Put it on your credit card. A saved marriage is worth any price! It's worth paying whatever it costs. In time to come you will be so thankful that you didn't give up, but you will be even more thankful that God didn't give up on you.

 

Some of you may be tempted to give up. God brought some of you here today to say this to you: Keep on. Don't let go. Don't give up. Persevere. Be stubborn about it. I'm not going to let go! Hang on!

Learning to love is the single greatest lesson in life; learning to love God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength, and learning to love everybody else. It's why God put you on this planet. The only way you will ever learn how to love is by loving when you don't feel like loving. When people are unlovable and unlovely and unloving and unloved. That's where you learn real love.

 

The four habits we have looked at this morning are the exact way God loves you. God just expects you to do with others what he has done with you. God has extended you grace. He has forgiven you when he sent Jesus Christ to die for all your sins. If you got what you deserved you wouldn't be sitting there right now. You wouldn't be alive. He has extended you grace, and he wants you to do that with others.

 

He expresses faith in you. Did you know that God believes in you? He believed in you enough to create you, to love you, to die for you, to send his Holy Spirit to live in you. He believed in you enough to give you a freedom of choice knowing that you full well could thumb your nose at him and live a self-centered life. You need to believe in the God who believes in you. He expresses faith.

 

He expects the best. He knows what you're capable of. He knows when you're not living up to your potential but he doesn't nag you about it. He says this is what I see in you. He always has hope that you're going to turn your life completely over to him and he expects the best. God has endured the worst from you and put up with it all. He's never given up on you.

 

We've been studying now for six weeks the chapter on love in the Bible, 1 Corinthian 13. I want to end by reading a paraphrase of this chapter.

 

"Because God loves me he is slow to lose patience with me.

Because God loves me he takes the circumstances of my life and he uses them in a constructive way for my growth.

Because God loves me he does not treat me as an object to be possessed or manipulated. Because God loves me he has no need to impress me with how great and powerful he is because he's God.

Nor does he belittle me as his child in order to show me how important he is.

Because God loves me he is for me and he wants to see me mature and develop in his love. Because God loves me he does not keep score of all my sins and then beat me over the head with them whenever he gets the chance."

 

The real secret to learning a lasting love is letting God's love flow through you. The Bible says: "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."[12] This is the secret of lasting love. It is Christ's love in you. Human love wears out. That's why we have those divorce statistics. But Christ's love is eternal. Before you can offer it to others, you have to have it yourself.

 

God brought you here for this service. Today is your day, the day you're going to say, "I'm going to become a great lover and I'm going to start by getting God's love in my life. I'm going to open my life to Jesus Christ and let him fill me with his love, so that he can love other people through me."